


I Didn't Mean To

by castiel (carry_on_my_destiel_fans)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 05:29:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3598155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carry_on_my_destiel_fans/pseuds/castiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean reminisces over a past relationship with Castiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Didn't Mean To

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just taking a break from my other fanfiction while I write this one. I'm going through some stuff, and a friend suggested to me that I write out my feelings. Well, this is the result. Enjoy.  
> WARNING: There are mentions of suicide. If that's a trigger, I'd advise not reading this.

He would have never started it if he had known it would end like this.

_"I will always love you."_

He never knew pain like this could even exist in the world.

_"I will never leave you."_

He had never shed so many tears.

_"I will always be by your side."_

Loneliness is never something you can get over. Dean had been by himself for a little over two weeks...but it felt like eternity. Every morning was a struggle; not even nights ended the losing battle. The days seemed to drag on and on. He never smiled anymore. Sometimes he'd feel a single tear roll down his cheek, and touch it tentatively before wiping it away.

_"Good morning, sleepy head." Dean rolled over to a bright smile starting his morning. He couldn't remember life without Castiel. The days spent with the love of his life felt like days of eternal joy. He never stopped smiling; not since he started dating Cas. Sometimes he'd catch himself smiling at nothing, then he'd laugh and shake his head._

Simple things, like buying groceries, were a major chore. Dragging the cart through the aisles, mindlessly grabbing unnecessary items, he was only here to numb the pain of loss.

_Simple things, like buying groceries, were always an adventure. Pushing the cart through the aisles, mindlessly grabbing ridiculous items, they were always there to express the springiness of love._

His phone was never a distraction.

_Not even his phone could distract him._

Looking at it just built up his hopes. The constant wonder and anticipation followed by shattered hopes stopped him from wanting to check it. Some days ended with his fingers ghosting over the dial keys. Some days ended with phone-shaped holes in the walls.

_Sitting with Castiel, he never needed his phone. The only person he ever wanted to talk to was already here. Sometimes, when Cas was away, he'd fall asleep with Cas on the phone; there was nothing better than listening to his peaceful breathing._

His reflection scared him; no healthy person should look that pale and thin. Whenever he would lift his hands to his face, his fingers felt rough and foreign. If he closed his eyes tight enough, sometimes he could imagine they were Castiel's fingers; he would lean into the touch and weep silently. 

_Dean liked to watch Cas's reflection whenever they were in the bathroom together. He could stare at Cas's eyes without being noticed. He liked to watch the little twitches his mouth would make when he brushed his teeth. Sometimes Cas would notice him staring and give a cheesy smile. Dean liked those moments._

Suicide was an option. One pull of a trigger and all this aching pain would leave him and he'd be at peace.

_He would die for Castiel. Without hesitation, he'd step in front of a bullet for his angel._

Some days he'd go numb. The pain would be so overbearing, he'd stop feeling at all. Those days usually ended with bandaged wrists and blood-filled sinks.

_Some days his chest would be swollen with pride. This angel - this perfect, beautiful, flawless angel - was all his. Those days usually ended with sweaty bodies and sleepy snuggles._

He'd fallen too hard.

_He fell so hard._

He didn't mean to fall in love...

_"I didn't mean to fall in love..."_

...and he's regretted it ever since.

_"...but I'm so glad I did."_


End file.
